Eat Your Heart Out, Jet Fuel
by Space Mercutio
Summary: After a harmless test with NERV, all Ryoji Kaji wants is a good night's sleep. A few doors down, a Kathy Barnes feels the need to be the bigger neighbor, and decides to do what only a good neighbor would: complain and argue self-righteously. Apparently, it's the government's fault. New Mexico AU.


Whatever was going on outside her bedroom, Kathy Barnes wanted no part in it.

A terribly loud hum had disrupted her sleep at about 4:00 AM. Apparently divorcing Paul couldn't get her away from that. She made a frustrated noise and forced herself to get up.

She stumbled from her bedroom into her family room, where her kitten stood fluffed up in the corner, hissing furiously.

The kitten was another thing she thought Paul had taken with him. Apparently he didn't want it. She hated cats.

In her backyard, the sky was still dark, and there was only one bird trying to get a tune going. Except everything the bird tried to sing got drowned out by that _piercing hum_.

Kathy made her way to her door, the one that faced the street, and threw it violently open.

There could only be one person behind this annoyingly loud humming. And she was going to do to him what any sensible neighbor would.

Yell at him self-righteously.

* * *

Ryoji Kaji looked up admiringly at the last few wiggly smoke trails. These new ultralight rockets would serve Unit-03 well. It had been another successful test at NERV, and now he might be able to get some sleep.

Someone took him by the shoulder.

Kaji whirled, nearly collapsing the windpipe of his attacker with a quick karate chop. It would have hit, had he not seen who it was.

His attacker fell to the ground, screaming.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Barnes," Kaji said, trying to keep himself from laughing.

"I have _never_ been treated so _rudely_!" she seethed. Her indignation practically leaked from her ears. "First you wake the _whole_ neighborhood up with your _humming,_ and then you try to _kill me?_ "

"I apologize, Mrs. Barnes-"

" _And another thing!_ I'm not Mrs. Barnes any more! We're divorced!"

"I was wondering why you seemed obtuse. You've lost your only good half," he muttered, all smiles.

"What was that, young man? Just because you're a working man doesn't mean I can't get you fired!"

 _Mrs. Barnes, getting me fired? She wishes…_

But Mrs. Barnes wasn't done yet. "No company with any self-respect would hire you, anyway! Young people, I tell you."

"Happy holidays, Mrs. Barnes." It _was_ the fourth of July, after all.

"It's Independence Day and you will address it as such!" she exclaimed. "Now could you shoot off some quieter fireworks for a change? People are trying to _sleep_!"

"Ma'am, I had no control over the rockets, but I can tell you they're no fireworks."

"Then can you keep them _down_ -"

"-It's weapons testing. Perhaps you remember Second Impact?"

"Don't feed me _that_ B.S.," she snarled. " _I_ know Second Impact was a government hoax. All those giant robots? It's all fake. You can tell because of the pixels!"

"Ma'am, there are pixels on every computer screen."

"So you're working with them? I know what you're up to. You make those aliens up, don't you? Those fancy names don't fool me! You're just trying to slander the good name of the Catholic church! It's got the government written all over it!"

"I don't know any Catholics."

"That's what you would say if you were with the government! I bet you're with the reptilians!"

"I'm not a reptilian."

Kathy Barnes was not running out of steam. "Not yet, you aren't. But you stick around with them long enough, and you start to _turn._ "

"Turn?"

"Don't play dumb with me. You probably don't know that the government put rainbows in our water to make us think Second Impact was real!"

Kaji failed to see what the link between Second Impact and watery rainbows was. Mrs. Barnes was all too happy to explain.

"Everyone knows that Antarctica isn't there any more. The government blew it up when they were testing their nuclear weapons. So the government put a lot of fake ice in the water to make those pictures that look like the scientists on Antarctica! But the fake ice melted after they left and got into our water supply. The fake ice turns rainbow in fresh water, and so the government got scared and tried to cover it up. So then they made the whole story about Second Impact up to scare us! Am I right, bucko?"

"With all due respect, Ma'am, where do reptilians fit in?"

"The government _is_ reptilians! Wake up, Robert!"

"It's Ryoji."

"Whatever, Rupert! You're just trying to stall for time so your reptile buddies can pick me up in your spaceship!"

"What spaceship?"

"The one you drove in when you left your home planet. Geez, you reptiles are dumber than I thought. Isn't this common knowledge? You're from another planet, so you have spaceships!"

"Wait, what makes you think I'm from another planet?"

"You have a spaceship!" Kathy said. "It's obvious."

It was not obvious. Kaji was still trying not to laugh. "And let me guess," he said, "you can tell I have a spaceship because I'm from outer space?"

"So you admit it!" she said. "I'm calling the police!"

"I wouldn't do that," Kaji said. "All of the police are reptilians."

"Then I'll call 911!"

"But paramedics answer to 911, and they help people who almost got killed in cold blood! Don't you see? Cold blood...reptiles...it all fits together," he chuckled. _Now_ he was having fun.

"Then I'll call your mother!"

"You wouldn't," he said in mock horror.

"Oh, yes I would."

Kaji shrugged. "Well, she can't pick up the phone anyway. It's hard when you're a snake."

"A _snake_?"

"Oh, yes. My mother is the mother of our species," Kaji grinned.

"I should have known! In that case, I'm going to do the only thing I _can_ do. And you're not going to like it!"

"What is that?"

"I'm going to start a neighborhood protest!"

* * *

"You look awful today, Kaji," Asuka said that morning. It was lunch over at NERV. "You know what would cheer you up?"

"A bed?"

"No, silly! The two of us going out for dinner."

"Something tells me he prefers the former," Shinji deadpanned from across the table.

"Shut up, idiot," Asuka snarled.

Kaji got up to refill his coffee mug. Misato was already there, filling an empty beer can with some decaf.

"You don't normally drink coffee," Kaji remarked.

"It was a long night last night. What with all the testing."

"Not as long as mine," Kaji smiled.

Misato looked up. "What makes you s- _oh. Wow._ Did you get _any_ sleep?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"Well, did you hear we're all part of the Illuminati?"

Misato laughed. "So Mrs. Barnes is divorced again?"

"You bet. You hear the one about 7-Eleven and part-time jobs?"


End file.
